Today over lunch I was in a bit more of a contemplative mode, thinking about how I got to where I am today. I haven’t picked up my guitar in a few months now, and even then it was only for a few minutes before I put it away. Beyond that, I haven’t played my guitar substantially since spring of 2007 when Paul and I were trying to keep Crash Effect on life support and keep the dream alive.
I used to be so focused, so driven to do something reasonably substantial with my music — driven to try and make a difference somehow, maybe make an impact on someone’s life, and to someday be able to earn a healthy living through writing, recording, distributing and performing my music. But these days that aspiration is just a vapor.
With an oatmeal stout in one hand and pen in the other I wrote the words:
Aspiration — it’s an unattainable vapor of hope materialized only by some freak act of circumstance, luck, and someone actually buying into the idea you’re trying to sell. What is greater — the death of your ideas or aspiration itself? I’m inclined to say the latter of the two, but with understanding that repeated crushing blows to the former leads to the latter. In addition, you cannot destroy one without destroying the other. Aspiration is undeniably linked to our ideas, our hopes, and our dreams.
God, who brought the shoe-gazer to the party?
But I ask the other musicians, song writers and performers out there — do you experience the same challenges to your ambitions? When no one comes to the shows. When the last CD you sold was eight months ago. When you feel your music isn’t penetrating into the markets that you would love to be heard in. What keeps you playing those empty cafes, writing the songs that few will hear, recording CD’s and mp3’s that few will buy? For at what point does it stop being about what you want to do and what you want others to see, hear, and take away from your music?
Anyway, there’s a lot that I’ve been thinking about these days, and contemplating if maintaining this site and any music aspirations is just a waste of time, energy, and passion.